Sexuality Counseling
As children, we grow up in a society that denies the existence of sexuality, even as it generally fails to
protect us from others who use sexuality inappropriately—crossing every conceivable boundary of
power (hierarchy), including: adult/child, adolescent/child, teacher/student, religious leader/congregant,
employer/employee (ad infinitum) relationships.
Many (to most) of us come to adulthood having been sexually violated, either as children or as teens.
Many (to most) of us also come to adulthood within religious or spiritual ideologies that cause us to then
struggle with questions about spirituality and sexuality.
How does God (however you define that) view sex?
What are the rules?
Is there punishment in this life or an afterlife if I break those rules?
What if my own sexuality doesn’t match those that society (culture, religion, family), approves?
In general, most modern societies still construct sexuality as “bad” when it is not within marriage,
heterosexual, and (possibly) for the purposes of reproduction.
Whenever our individual sexual and affectional needs don’t fit that model—we struggle.
We internalize the idea of sex as bad.
Despite (and sometimes because of) the high levels of sexuality (and sexual exploitation) in popular
culture, media, and advertising, we internalize the idea of sex as bad.
Pornography documents this. Pornographers make what sells, and almost all of what they make depicts
sexuality in the terms of violation: of “dirtiness,” of dominance and submission (struggles for power), or
even, in terms of pain.
Parents work hard, and feel like they’ve failed, if their children become sexual before legal adulthood or
outside of marriage. Our own parents did the same with us.
It is one of the great difficulties of parenting—this facing the fact that you can’t keep your children from
becoming sexual beings, from this thing that, while it has (hopefully) brought you much pleasure, has also
likely brought you (and will likely bring them) much pain.
Sometimes, in the attempt to control (or stop) children from coming of age as sexual beings, adults in
their lives apply labels (e.g. “slut,” etc.) to frighten them off.
All of this labeling of sex, and of ourselves (and our children, if we have them) as sexual actors, can
affect us in the bedroom. Our own adult sexual communication with partners is affected by the societal
attitudes we internalize.
Also, society encourages, generally even demands, monogamy—at least from females.
Yet statistics show that a great many people of all genders and sexual orientations have a great deal of
trouble with monogamy.
Often, we ourselves, and sometimes, our partners, struggle with the demand for lifelong, sexual fidelity.
We don’t know what to do when we are in a relationship and begin to sense a physical attraction to
someone outside that relationship.
And we also don’t know how to exit relationships.
Many people end up in relationships they didn’t really want, just from lack of knowing how to get out
when someone else wants them.
One source of great pain for all parties is the use of infidelity as a way out, either because we never
learned how to speak up for ourselves and express our needs for change or space or freedom—or
because we don’t know how to end one relationship without starting another because we don’t know
how to face the fear of being alone.
Other people simply may not be inclined toward monogamy, but society offers little room (and no
models) for honest, respectful, (and safe-sex) polyamory (in which each party maintains their sexual
autonomy and the power is balanced), as distinct from polygamy—in which there is a power imbalance,
as a male may have multiple female parnters/wives, but the female must not have multiple partners).
Whoever we are as sexual being, we also aren’t taught how to express our needs within the bedroom.
We don’t know how to tell our partner/s (either in the act, or at another time) what we need—what
feels good—physically or emotionally.
With just a few simple skills regarding honesty and respect, among consenting adults, sex could be one
of our greatest tool for communicating affection and admiration.
But society doesn’t teach us this communication.
Even today, people become sexually active or partner without proper sexual education, either from
schools or from parents/guardians.
In general, we are not taught about contraception.
We are not sufficiently, or non-hysterically, taught about disease (STI) prevention.
We are not taught about pleasure—specifically, female pleasure.
We are not taught about, and in polite company don’t discuss sexual fantasies (and struggle if we look
to find any that include loving respect).
And we are not taught to communicate our needs.
Sexuality counseling from the sociological perspective can help you address any, or all, of these
issues in your own life.
Nadine Rosechild, M.A. holds a graduate concentration in sexuality and gender, and an
undergraduate minor and graduate certificate in women's studies. She is an educator on issues of
marriage, family, gender, race, and ethnicity. She is an active sociological researcher, whose work
centers on issues of sexuality, gender, sexual identity, sexual orientation and spirituality. Her
master’s level work was on how those (in diverse ethnic and cultural settings) who identify as lesbian,
gay, or bisexual reconcile their spiritual identity with their sexual identity.
protect us from others who use sexuality inappropriately—crossing every conceivable boundary of
power (hierarchy), including: adult/child, adolescent/child, teacher/student, religious leader/congregant,
employer/employee (ad infinitum) relationships.
Many (to most) of us come to adulthood having been sexually violated, either as children or as teens.
Many (to most) of us also come to adulthood within religious or spiritual ideologies that cause us to then
struggle with questions about spirituality and sexuality.
How does God (however you define that) view sex?
What are the rules?
Is there punishment in this life or an afterlife if I break those rules?
What if my own sexuality doesn’t match those that society (culture, religion, family), approves?
In general, most modern societies still construct sexuality as “bad” when it is not within marriage,
heterosexual, and (possibly) for the purposes of reproduction.
Whenever our individual sexual and affectional needs don’t fit that model—we struggle.
We internalize the idea of sex as bad.
Despite (and sometimes because of) the high levels of sexuality (and sexual exploitation) in popular
culture, media, and advertising, we internalize the idea of sex as bad.
Pornography documents this. Pornographers make what sells, and almost all of what they make depicts
sexuality in the terms of violation: of “dirtiness,” of dominance and submission (struggles for power), or
even, in terms of pain.
Parents work hard, and feel like they’ve failed, if their children become sexual before legal adulthood or
outside of marriage. Our own parents did the same with us.
It is one of the great difficulties of parenting—this facing the fact that you can’t keep your children from
becoming sexual beings, from this thing that, while it has (hopefully) brought you much pleasure, has also
likely brought you (and will likely bring them) much pain.
Sometimes, in the attempt to control (or stop) children from coming of age as sexual beings, adults in
their lives apply labels (e.g. “slut,” etc.) to frighten them off.
All of this labeling of sex, and of ourselves (and our children, if we have them) as sexual actors, can
affect us in the bedroom. Our own adult sexual communication with partners is affected by the societal
attitudes we internalize.
Also, society encourages, generally even demands, monogamy—at least from females.
Yet statistics show that a great many people of all genders and sexual orientations have a great deal of
trouble with monogamy.
Often, we ourselves, and sometimes, our partners, struggle with the demand for lifelong, sexual fidelity.
We don’t know what to do when we are in a relationship and begin to sense a physical attraction to
someone outside that relationship.
And we also don’t know how to exit relationships.
Many people end up in relationships they didn’t really want, just from lack of knowing how to get out
when someone else wants them.
One source of great pain for all parties is the use of infidelity as a way out, either because we never
learned how to speak up for ourselves and express our needs for change or space or freedom—or
because we don’t know how to end one relationship without starting another because we don’t know
how to face the fear of being alone.
Other people simply may not be inclined toward monogamy, but society offers little room (and no
models) for honest, respectful, (and safe-sex) polyamory (in which each party maintains their sexual
autonomy and the power is balanced), as distinct from polygamy—in which there is a power imbalance,
as a male may have multiple female parnters/wives, but the female must not have multiple partners).
Whoever we are as sexual being, we also aren’t taught how to express our needs within the bedroom.
We don’t know how to tell our partner/s (either in the act, or at another time) what we need—what
feels good—physically or emotionally.
With just a few simple skills regarding honesty and respect, among consenting adults, sex could be one
of our greatest tool for communicating affection and admiration.
But society doesn’t teach us this communication.
Even today, people become sexually active or partner without proper sexual education, either from
schools or from parents/guardians.
In general, we are not taught about contraception.
We are not sufficiently, or non-hysterically, taught about disease (STI) prevention.
We are not taught about pleasure—specifically, female pleasure.
We are not taught about, and in polite company don’t discuss sexual fantasies (and struggle if we look
to find any that include loving respect).
And we are not taught to communicate our needs.
Sexuality counseling from the sociological perspective can help you address any, or all, of these
issues in your own life.
Nadine Rosechild, M.A. holds a graduate concentration in sexuality and gender, and an
undergraduate minor and graduate certificate in women's studies. She is an educator on issues of
marriage, family, gender, race, and ethnicity. She is an active sociological researcher, whose work
centers on issues of sexuality, gender, sexual identity, sexual orientation and spirituality. Her
master’s level work was on how those (in diverse ethnic and cultural settings) who identify as lesbian,
gay, or bisexual reconcile their spiritual identity with their sexual identity.
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| © 2007 Nadine Rosechild |